Grieving

My mother died 2 weeks ago. Sometimes the grief comes over me in waves. I could not wish her back, because was she suffering at the end. But I miss her terribly.

It's the little things that hit you: Shopping at the grocery store, and realizing you're not buying her favorite food anymore.  Returning items that you purchased for her right before she died. Cleaning out her closet and finding that one shirt that she loved to wear.  The list gets longer each day.

This morning, I realized I was not eating the food in her freezer. While she was alive, I did all of her cooking. Perhaps subconsciously, I realized that if I ate her food, it was finally admitting she was never coming home. I missed her all over again.

I can still hear her voice, strong and clear.  She lost it in the end because of a stroke. I never got to hear that final goodbye or I love you. But I still hear her in my head, the way I still hear my sister's laugh, or my father's jokes. They've been gone over a decade. I hope I will still her her saying "I love you" before I close my eyes at night. 

The Aging Process

As we age, our body starts to shut down, like a shopkeeper slowly closing the windows then the blinds at the end of a very long day.  It is a methodical process, and though the method will vary from shop to shop, the end result is the same.  Closed for business.

Gradual shutdown

In my family, the first casualties are usually the heart and kidneys. The heart slows a little, blood pressure goes up, pulse goes down. The next thing you know the thermostat is cranked up to 85 and mom is shivering under 6 layers of blankets. No amount of argument will dissuade her from the belief the wind is blowing straight through walls and whipping down the hall to her bedroom.

As the heart fails, so too the kidneys begin to act up, perhaps jealous that other organs are getting all of the attention.  Along with the liver, these amazing filters pull out all of the toxins that get dumped into the bloodstream.  When they stop working, all sorts of havoc ensues.

Kidneys that quit

My mother is in kidney failure.  Her kidneys have stopped filtering out toxins. As a result, she has to flush them out with at least 48 ounces of water each day. We use distilled or filtered water, since the quality of spring or tap water is questionable at best.  In line filters work, filtering pitchers work,  or you can buy water by the gallon just about everywhere.  

Being the picture of discipline,  my mom has a system.  She keeps 3 numbered containers by her chair.  We have a 2.5 gallon refillable container in her bedroom so that she can refill them each day without going out to the kitchen.

One afternoon my mother came into the kitchen. It had been a busy morning, and she was really tired.  She had deep circles under her eyes, her hands were freezing. She had difficulty thinking and speaking in complete sentences. Her voice was a little scratchy.  She was in trouble.

My first question to her, "How much water did you have thus morning?"

"Not enough. I got distracted."

Fair enough.  I got her water bottles filled and helped her back to her recliner.  After an hour with her feet propped up and enough fluid, she was back to her normal self.

We repeat this process about once every 7-10 days... as needed.

Mama's recipes

Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Low Sodium Bread Rounds 

These are designed to replace biscuits. If you need carbs or crave bread, these will work. 

** NOTE These do not contain preservatives. Once they have cooled, it is best to refrigerate or freeze them. Reheat them flat in a toaster oven. Makes approximately 12 "biscuits."

Recipes for ingredients marked with an asterisk (*) follow this 

1 cup flour mixture*
1 tsp low sodium baking powder
1/8 tsp psyllium husk (optional)
2 Tbsp oil
2 Tbsp apple sauce or pear sauce*
1 cup rice milk or other vegan milk. (Adjust amount as necessary) 

Preheat oven to 370 degrees.  Cover cookie sheet in parchment or a silicon baking sheet. Combine ingredients in mixing bowl. Mix thoroughly. Adjust milk to desired consistency.
Drop mixture onto cookie sheet, about 1 inch apart.

Bake for 18 minutes, or until bottom is slightly brown.  Let cool on cooling rack.

**You can also bake in a 8 inch pizza pan at 370 degrees for 20 min.

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Flour mixture *

3 cups Brown rice flour 
4 cups White rice flour
¾ cup oat flour

We use Bob's Red Mill Rice and Oat Flours.

Feel free to use any available brand of flour and adjust proportions accordingly. If you use Arrowhead Mills Brown Rice Flour, you might get a granier result. 

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Easy Pear Sauce *

1 can "no sugar added" pears

Pour off half of the juice from the canned pears. Place remaining juice and pear pieces in a food processor or blender. Blend until desired consistency. Place in pint jars. Can be used in place of applesauce in recipes, or as a side dish.

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Mini Pumpkin Waffles

1 cup flour mixture
1 tsp low sodium baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda (optional)
1/4 tsp salt (optional)
1/8 tsp psyllium husk
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1/4 cup Splenda
1/4 cup pumpkin
2 tablespoons olive or canola oil
1 cup rice milk (or other vegan milk)

Combine dry ingredients in mixing bowl. Add wet ingredients and stir until blended. Adjust pumpkin and milk to taste. Add 1/4 cup batter to mini waffle maker. Makes about 6 waffles.

Caregiving during COVID

Mom fell in July 2020 and broke her hip. She went into surgery very quickly, and had a partial replacement.  The surgery went well. The recovery was difficult.

Mom was in the nursing home for 4 weeks. They tripled her meds and replaced natural options with chemicals. She got pneumonia in the hospital, so she was on IM antibiotics. She was allergic to the heart meds.

At first, she was getting fed soup and oatmeal because they didn't know what she could eat; I couldn't bring her food (nothing home cooked) due to COVID/JCAHO regs.

She was sicker in the facility than she ever was at home. But I couldn't bring her home because I couldn't care for her, even with hired assistants. Basic needs, such as toiletting and transferring in/out of bed required special equipment we didn't have. So she stayed.

Mom's problems were not from lack of care. They stemmed from her unique issues related to allergies and acute anxiety. If you care for someone with allergies, remember that institutional medicine is ill-equipped to manage them. Be ready for daily battles and lots of phone calls.